An extenison of my insane mind..

Hello peoples! It's been a while. I started some new hours at State Farm so I felt the need to do some updating since I'm at work sooooooo early in the morning. Notice the time "7:34AM".... not my usual up time. So where do I begin? Well I feel kinda alone in the friend department. I have one friend whose been moved away almost a year now. And now my best friend has decided to up and leave me as well. While the only best friend I have left has been speaking recently about moving to Gainesville. Once she is gone I don't know what I'm going to do, I'll only have one good friend left. I just hope everything works out for everyone. But enough of that or I'll get kinda depressed. Work has actually been pretty good. I put in for a tour bind recently and got it!! So new hours for me no more late late nights. I think I'm going to really like it. I am finally over this live-in love I had for the roomie. I doubt it was truly love if after some real focus on letting go I can just let him go so easily. But someone I can't seem to keep outta my mind is my outta-country man Ordell. He's been gone since Dec 08 and I'm dying. I don't see how these women can watch their men be shipped off to Iraq or a similar bad place. Mine guy just went to Africa which isn't half bad and I can't even stand it! And now he tells me once he's done with his year over there he won't be coming back home, here, Jax. He will be going to CA since he's going for a promotion I would assume is why. I lost all hope at that point in my life and conversation. I won't be seeing him again and I just need to move on. He begs to differ. He seems to think without his praise, help, companionship, and encouragement I can lose all this weight and join the Air Force like I want, but I just don't see how it will happen. I have to lose around 70 pounds and he expects me to be able to do it by Dec-Jan! Ok on to better things now. I am finally paying off some of my debt which is a great lift off my shoulders. It's a slow process but I am just glad to be making a decent dent in the amount. Well my parents are doing pretty lovely, nothing much to say about them. My brother, sisternlaw, and nephews always seem to be doing just fine even if they aren't doing so hot. I can't really think of much else to write about but I'm sure I will soon enough. Talk to you soon.

I am in love with someone who doesn’t love me. Doesn’t even like me I don’t think that much.. There is a man I should love but I don’t. The other man is prefect in every way I can think of so far. The one I’m in love with is so very less than prefect. I am sooo lost. The one I love constantly gives me reason to dislike him or at least snap out of this love I have for him, but it never happens. I find myself thinking of him all the time. I usually put him first or at least think of him when there is no reason too since he doesn’t do the same in return. He has many girls I know he talks to, and I have plenty of guys I talk to as well but it’s no use I can’t get him outta my head. I would rather hang out with him then all the guys I am talking to right now. But the reverse is not the same. The one I should love has very little time for me, and I think that is hurting my chances of really connecting with him. But I can’t really help it since he is getting deployed at the end of the month. Thus leaving me to continue chasing this man who I’m sure sees me as less than a friend. I need some help. A brick or swift kick upside the head… something.

Updates All Around:

Work - Work has been fine I'm still doing the same job I got hired for 2 years ago at State Farm. But I recently also started working at an Auto Parts store called Advance. So far no complaints; check back with me later.

Life in general-
Has been a mess.. I owe even more debt than I've ever told anymore before and it just keeps piling up. Now this dumbass apartment complex is making me pay money to them because of me moving out, and not vacuuming. They also say I turned in the fucking keys late when of course I did NOT! I now and will forever FUCKING hate apartments.

Love-
There is a man in my life that is soooo amazing, and I don't even know how to really do him justice in description. He means a whole lot to me. There have been some rough patches between us to where I didn't think we'd ever get to where we are today. But I'm glad I stuck by, and waited it out. I really hope that while he's deployed I can make it through without him. Not being able to see him as much as I like now because of our work schedules is hurting me bad enough now. I can really see myself with him from now on until well... forever. He is the only man so far that I’ve been with that has treated me the way I should be treated. He has respected me without hesitation. He has always taken my feeling into consideration. It is never "all about him". He makes me feel like I really do belong with him, and that he likes me for the real person I am. I feel that he isn't ashamed of me which feels really good. I keep trying to push him away since I think he's too perfect for me, and that I don't deserve to have my "dream man" in my life. I will try to stop doing that.

Friends-
Some friends I don't talk to much anymore, and I wish I could change that but there are numbers of reasons why we don't anymore. But 1 fact that hasn't changed is that my 2 true blue best friends still have my back. They mean they world to me, and I do consider both of them family. They know who they are I don't EVEN have to mention their names. Just like I don't have to mention who the "man" is in my life, he knows who he is too.. :)

School-
Hasn't happened yet. Yeah I took a few classes but you know what happened with them... NOTHING. I dropped out of one because I thought I was gonna get this job with Blue Cross & Blue Shield, and of course I didn't. The other I failed because it wasn't an easy class, and I opted to take the online version of it; biiigg mistake!

I haven't updated my journal/ blog in a quite some time. I have since stopped my diet and I feel very unhappy about it. I have gained some of my weight back but not all of it, so it hasn't been a total lose. But this is just time off for now and I will be starting back on my diet in October when I move. Because then I will have some more cash flow to buy my pills and buy the healthier foods. I will also be paying off my debt and squeezing in some school once I move. So in October a LOT of things will be changing to make way for my big decision come January. I appreciate the support I have gotten from all my true friends and fuck the rest of you. Thank you and I love you. More to come.

Well here it is.... here I go...

Let's see if there is anything interesting.. :sits thinking:

Ohhh! I have lost 26 freakin pounds so far on my diet! I have since applied for a new position within the company I work for now. I hope I get it, so bad. My friends are doing well as far as I know. I need to visit some of them more than I do. Family is also doing well, see them OFTEN.

Ahh... I am still boring.. O well..

No one reads livejournal's anymore.... so I am making this my food journal. I will be posting in "friend's only" mode from now on. So if you'd like to keep up with me and the goals I have set for myself please ask/comment to be added. I'm sure you probably don't care what I eat and you shouldn't, so delete me, I don't care. Or simply do not ask to be added. This is for me now; I am trying to better myself, so screw you if you wanna get in my way. My goal is to be max weight for my height as according to Air Force recruitment standards. I will achieve this goal by the end of the year. I will be posting my progress as well as any set backs that may occur. If you want to support me in any way please do, I want you to, and I would really appreciate it if you did! I will officially be starting my program on Monday 1/14/08. Wish me luck! I will be able to do this, and I know it. Thank you.